I went to a dinner party at a friend’s home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, “Maya, you’re so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!”
But I didn’t. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What’s wrong with that? It’s our culture’s standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn’t it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s next top model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That’s why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
“Maya,” I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, “very nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
“Hey, what are you reading?” I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I’m nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
“I LOVE books,” I said. “Do you?”
Most kids do.
“YES,” she said. “And I can read them all by myself now!”
“Wow, amazing!” I said. And it is, for a five year old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
“What’s your favorite book?” I asked.
“I’ll go get it! Can I read it to you?”
Purplicious was Maya’s pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It’s surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I’m stubborn.
I told her that I’d just written a book, and that I hoped she’d write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we’d read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya’s perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she’s reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You’re just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
And let me know the response you get at www.Twitter.com/lisabloom.
Here’s to changing the world, one little girl at a time.
Reprinted with permission.
© 2011 Lisa Bloom, author of Think: Straight Talk For Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World
Author Bio
Lisa Bloom, author of Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed Down World, is an award-winning journalist, legal analyst, trial attorney, and the daughter of renowned women’s rights attorney, Gloria Allred.
A daily fixture on American television for the last decade, Bloom is currently the CBS News legal analyst, appearing frequently on The Early Show and CBS Evening News with Katie Couric, as well as the legal analyst for The Dr. Phil Show. Bloom appears regularly on CNN and HLN prime time shows such as Issues With Jane Velez-Mitchell, The Joy Behar Show, Anderson Cooper 360, and The Situation Room. She has been featured on Oprah, Nightline, Today, Good Morning America, Rachael Ray, and many more, and she was a nightly panelist on The Insider throughout 2010. From 2001-2009, Bloom hosted her own daily, live, national show on Court TV, and she has guest-hosted Larry King Live, The Early Show, and Showbiz Tonight.
Bloom has written numerous popular and scholarly articles for the Los Angeles Times, Family Circle, the National Law Journal, CNN.com, the Daily Beast, and many more. She has also been profiled, featured, and quoted in hundreds of publications, including the New York Times, the Washington Post, Elle, Ladies’ Home Journal, and Variety.
Bloom graduated early and Phi Beta Kappa from UCLA, where she was national college debate champion, and then from the Yale Law School, where she won the moot court competition. She currently lives in Los Angeles where she runs her law firm, The Bloom Firm. TheWrap.com recently named Bloom one of the top five celebrity attorneys in Los Angeles.
An Alternative Perspective:
How to Raise Little Girls Who Love Their Looks
Femimommy Blog
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Lately, I’ve been telling my daughter when she comes up with a cool outfit. But, I think it’s important because she dresses for her own satisfaction, and not any particular style that I can discern. Often times, she has a message in there. She has shirts with peace signs on them, and of course ones with horses. But, it’s not the focus of life. It’s just something she occasionally makes an effort to do.
I’m much happier when she makes it over the higher jump on a horse. Really. If she doesn’t, it’s not so good
Splat. Glad I paid the $250 for the high quality vest.
Hi Katie,
I thought this article was very good and it really makes me think about what we admire in little girls, I think we need to have a balance in how much emphasis we put on how they look.
This is great and spot on. I usually don’t go on about looks to my 2 nieces, but in the future I’m going to be more cunning with steering the conversation. And you’re right about the dieting/weight issue, my nieces are 4 and 6 and both are troubled by this! I don’t remember doing that when I was a young girl. But certainly by the time I was 12 I was worried I was fat. I wish I’d never read a Teen magazine, and instead enjoyed my youth.
I just *loved* this post, and I have young daughters – oh how I wish every person who met them was a savvy about little girls as you.
What an excellent and refreshing post to read. I’m going to pass it on!
I love the message.
I have twin girls that are about to turn four years old. They love to dress up. My sister-in-law shared an important thought with me when our daughters, who are only 6 months apart, were very young. She said that she didn’t want her daughter to think that fixing her hair/painted fingernails/ jewelry or anything else MADE her beautiful, she wanted her to feel beautiful no matter what. So I have tried to emphasize that fixing their hair etc. does not make them beautiful, because they are beautiful no matter what. But I appreciate the message here, and I hope to integrate this more deeply into our lives daily. Thank You.
Perhaps you are modeling a new perspective. I was visiting with my four-year old twin nieces just a week ago and had given them matching outfits for back-to-preschool. One of the girls had to try on the entire ensemble…shirt, skirt, tights and shoes…and then pronounced that she would be “the prettiest girl in school”. I quickly disabused her of that notion, pointing out that her identical twin would be wearing the same clothes! I also used the episode as a “teachable moment”, when I told her I was more concerned that her clothes be neat, appropriate, and comfortable…and if she felt good about herself because of something she accomplished, that was way more important to me than her being pretty. We do need to have a heightened awareness of our words, and the effect they have. Thanks for your perceptive insights!
Thank you for this good article! My English is not so good, but good enough to understand the theme. This i think too: How sick is it, if just little girls are classified about how they are looking, not what the like or can or read and so on…
Greetings!
Barbara
Your post was shared by a friend on facebook. I am a first time reader and appreciated your comments very much. I have several nieces and enjoy the benefit of being the ‘cool aunty’ without the labor of love that is full-time parenting. Nonetheless, I often use every opportunity with the girls to talk about interests and hobbies, but I realize that I too have sometimes fallen into the ice-breaker routine. Your article has given me a good reminder to be more thoughtful in the future. Thank you.
The first thing I tell my nieces is how pretty they look, I’ll try something like this next time I see them. I know I’m going to sound stupid to myself…”Mikayla, how great to see you!!! What do you like right now?” hahah I laugh just thinking of it, but kids don’t care what you ask them. I’ll sound dumb to the adults in the room but I’m sure the kids will get it. Good thinking there, Latina Fatale.
This was a wonderful article especially with the huge following for the toddler/girl beauty pageants. I can’t believe that someone would subject a small child to that type of stress and have them thinking that the only thing you can be is a princess type.
Girls are intelligent and able to do anything that they want in life, as long as there are parents behind them with encouragement and love.
I must admit that when my daughter was born ( after 2 sons) I was hoping for a “girly girl”. Well, she had two brothers to play with and instead of ballet , she is a 2nd Black Belt in Taekwondo and competes in local and national competitions. She is smart, she is beautiful and she is strong. She is also doing something that she loves and works very hard with her coach to be the best that she can in her chosen sport. At 13, she wants to look nice but that doesn’t include make up or anything drastic. She is taking pre-ap classes and some 9th grade classes while in the 9th grade. She is now my idea of what a girl should be, strong, smart and passionate about her life.
Stumbled upon this article and completely relate. I am only 20, but I used to nanny for this family that was all about looks, status, and being #1 at everything.
The mother was obsessed with having the best beauty products, the best handbag (she had a collection), expensive clothes, the latest apple product, and even commented that I was valuable because of how pretty and young I was. Their 7 yr old daughter was warped into this thinking and while her mother meant to do well, there clearly is going to be body issues and self esteem problems for this girl when she grows up.
I could only do so much as a nanny without over stepping my boundaries, but I completely agree that adults should learn how to talk to little girls. I think parents should educate themselves better on this issue and realize that what they do effects their children greatly.
At least I’m comforted by knowing that whenever I have children (boys or girls) I will take extra care in molding them. Children need a strong foundation to grow on and if you don’t help them to realize what a good self esteem is, then growing up will be rough. Then again, seeing as I don’t have children and am still young, I suppose I can say this is easier said than done, but I will try my best.
Thanks for this. I have a young son, 14, who is very conscious of his appearance. Has been since he could talk. He has a lot of girl-friends that I take home from school and I am always asking them what they learned in school today. One positive thing and one negative thing. And how they can work through the negative. They are all teenagers and I want to help them to love themselves they way they are. It’s hard and frustrating to hear them talk down about themselves. Thanks for your words.
For those of us who work in the beauty industry, it is easy to get caught up in appearance perfection. It is sad to see the upcoming generations so focused on that physical perfection. This is a great reminder for us to teach these young girls that they have so much more value than how they look, and to nuture those special qualities that hover beneath the surface waiting to be nurtured!
i have two wonderful, funny, feisty daughters- 3 1/2 & 15 months. i can’t tell you how many times a day people (strangers, family members, friends) say to her, “you are so cute! do you know you are so cute/pretty/i love your long curly hair/your dress is so fancy/etc etc.” i’m not gonna lie- they ARE ridiculously cute- but that isn’t the message i want either of my daughters to grow up thinking is the source of their significance and worth.
i’ve found that the best way my husband and i can combat this is to encourage her in other areas that are not beauty/appearance related.
i love this post & may re-post a link to it on my own blog.
This made me sad… bc I am realizing that I do this with my own daughter. She is 4 and very girly… she loves dressing up and twirling around for everyone to tell her how pretty she is. But I need to make more of an effort to concentrate on the more important things. Its funny how life gets so busy that you miss the obvious. Thank you for this… very inspiring.
Congratulations, you made a conscious decision not to pay someone a compliment that they probably would have loved to hear. Where is it written that it’s “correct” to value intelligence over beauty, literature over fashion?
@Remy:
nothing is “written”, don’t be obtuse. There are however, damaging pressures on young girls and women (and older ones) to be all about looks, and all about airbrushed, unachievable looks at that. A counterbalance is essential.
Personally I would MUCH rather someone show me genuine interest in my interests than make some shallow formulaic compliment about external presentation. The former actually take some effort.
Thank you for this article.
I find even now, at 22, whenever I reconnect with family or friends I haven’t seen in a while, their first comments are ALWAYS about my appearance. Never mind that I’ve been traveling all around the country for school and my job, or that I play in bands, or that I dance or knit or read… I’ve lost some weight! What an accomplishment!
I hope to have a daughter one day, and I pray that it will be possible to give her a clear mindset outside of superficial worries.
Great article. I couldn’t agree more. I get a little frustrated that everyone tells my 5-month old niece how pretty she is, but hardly anyone tells her that she is smart, brave, strong, etc. I do her numbers and letters with her every day, and I tell her how smart she is – I feel like I have to counteract all the other body-based messages. I’ll definitely use your trick of asking her to tell me about books when she gets old enough to talk and read.
I Read This, And I’m A 15 Year Old Girl, And It Made Me Feel Special Again, For The First Time In A Long Time. It Is Okay For Girls To Be Smart, It Is GOOD For Girls To Be Smart, And I Am Proud, So.. Proud That Someone Out There Is Spreading It Around, And Telling Little Girls Who Need To Hear It.
Because Sometimes They Never, Ever Do.
This is such a great article! It’s disturbing how much our culture is obsessed with body image, and it starts as early as birth. I never really thought about how I interact with my little cousins, but this has opened up my eyes, and I see that I’m contributing to the problem.
Thanks so much for posting.
You misspelled “complement” in the fourth paragraph. Otherwise, great article with a great message. I’m not sure what it is about time that reinforces these messages even while great strides are made politically, legally, and professionally.
of course it really adds to someone’s self-esteem to write an inspiring article and have someone point out an error in their first sentence. correct spelling is, also, something that , though important, could wait for comment. starting with criticism is not affirming.
Not to mention the fact that the commenter you replied to is, in fact, wrong. There was no error.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/compliment-vs-complement/
I think this article is great, but I can say its also important to let little girls know they are beautiful. I grew up always being told that I was smart and because of how society is we tend that we are either smart or pretty. So because I was always told I was smart and I never thought of my self as beautiful until college, where I’m now trying to break that mental barrier that I can be both smart and beautiful
And what if they aren’t beautiful? The “smart ofrpretty” dichotomy is a stupid one, agreed, but it needs to be deconstructed truthfully.
I’m clever. I’m not pretty. That’s the truth., and there is nothing wrong with it.
Result.
typo, apologies
I want to THANK YOU for writing this; It’s empowering to speak to young ladies in this way!
I will share this theory to many friends and family for I feel this topic is not discussed enough!
You rock sistah Much Love
When my little cousin was three through five, I convinced her that she was a runaway tiger from a local zoo who was being raised as human. When she was five, she wrote her first story. I was a character in it. She’s 17 now and an English major. Nothing makes me prouder.
Very nice article. Of course, the truth is the first thing we notice about a person is usually appearance, just because we haven’t spoken to them yet, so it’s natural to want to say something about appearance first. BUT, who says we have to say something right away, right? I love your example of asking a question instead of starting off with a compliment. <3 Small changes can make a big difference. I'm also trying to make people more aware of how they talk AROUND children. Making comments about how someone "shouldn't be wearing that!" or things of that nature are picked up by them as well. Rock on!
I loved this, so I read it twice. Upon rereading, I wondered something, is this really a “new perspective” you gifted your friend’s daughter with? Your points are excellent, but I feel like you’re very pleased with yourself for opening her eyes to an idea that had never been brought up by her own parents. If she’s already reading, I’m assuming they’re focusing on more than just twirling in frills, you know? I wonder if the parents work hard to give their daughter a balanced view already, and you pleased her so much because you interacted with her on the level she is accustomed to. I just wonder if her parents (unmentioned, save for giving the party you were a guest at) are being given a fair shake.I understand your thrust, but as a mother in Maya’s mother’s position, it would ruffle my feathers to read the assumptions you make here.
Good point!
Thanks for the thought provoking article. I have blogged about it to day on my childhood development blog.
Lauren
I was picking out Christmas presents for my little nieces a couple of days ago and I hit on a brilliant idea, dress up clothes! When I went to the store there were lots of fairy clothes and princess dresses but there is no way that I could buy those for them. I ended up buying a fire chief and doctor outfit. I’m sure that they will be just as happy with these.
Oh my! I did the same when my niece turned 3
I totally agree with the issue of a girls image of herself. Part of this is that girls clothing is made to fit skin tight, as if an 8 or 10 yr. old had a figure. It’s really hard to buy girls clothes because they look like clothes for a prostitute!!!!! Now look at the size differences, I bought a girls size 14/16, & a boys size 7/8 they are the same. Why? , most girls already have a complex about their size by 3rd. grade. Then girls clothing sizes change more rapidly than boys. If a girl in 6th grade starts wearing clothes from the jr’s section they are usually in a size 0 or 1, if they gain 5 to 7 lbs. the size goes up to a 5 or 7 in jr’s!! Whereas if a boy in 6th gr. wearing a size 14 gains 10 lbs. they only move up to a size 16 in kids. In seeing this size difference girls start “dieting” AKA : skipping meals. They don’t understand that their brains are not even fully developed at this time and they need the nutrition. Clothing manufacturers need to be aware of this even if they have to rearrange all the girls & jr’s sizes. Sorry to sound like I’m ranting, but this has been a very serious problem for many years now, & it’s getting worse with the P.E, & music programs going down the toilet. I am on facebook if you would like to talk further about this.
Hi Lisa,
I read your article, which I thought was great, and then I followed the Amazon link to your book. My spirit sank when I saw that inspead of sporting a classy, toned-down cover – as a book of the academic gravity I was under impression yours is deserves – it show a huge photo of a woman (you?) posing in the best traditions of America’s Next Top Model. How can you expect society not to treat women as props when even your book, which supopposedly goes against it, does the same thing?
*supposedly
It’s the parents who are doing this to their female children. When my sisters and I were growing up, our mom dressed us in sensible clothes and steered us away from things like boy bands, glittery pinkness, makeup, and “looking pretty.” Instead, she encouraged us to become good at things, develop hobbies, do well in school, and respect ourselves instead of being “one of those dumb girls who cares only about clothes and makeup.” My sisters and I had no shortage of dates when we became old enough, and it wasn’t at the expense of our self-respect.
If you make your daughters into subservient pink-wearing fluffheads, you’re dooming them to a lifetime of attracting men who have issues.
And, if you gave your kids some athletic interests, they wouldn’t have to worry about getting fat. I think people who let their children become overweight should be prosecuted for child abuse.
@captainmeowbot Lately I have also been thinking that athletics is the way to go. I think that it really gives girls confidence. I also agree that parents are the key. today we just posted an article from a little girl who was complaining about all the pink fluffy boxes at christmas. It’s clear that her parents have talked about gender stereotypes and marketing=)
A few thoughts–I appreciate the message of this essay. However, as now-grown child who was never once told she was pretty by her mother (a small flaw among a million blessings), I take every opportunity to tell my daughters how beautiful they are. I wasn’t told I was pretty – although I was – because it wasn’t valued in my family, and I still suffered every last body image pitfall you list above. I think telling girls they are lovely predates the current pop culture fixation on image. That’s not to say that we don’t have a lot of work to do in making our daughters and other young girls build self-esteem, because of course, we do.
Heck yes.
Alas, my niece has a few “princess” outfits, and she pronounces herself beautiful when she appears in them (though you can hear the question in it; seeking reassurance). Whilst everyone else exclaims “Ohh, you are!”, I tell her, “Yes, but you look just as beautiful in your normal clothes, too”.
She’s four this year and I think we’re starting to make progress. Instead of dressing up last time she was here, we played with pretend swords; coloured in; played Foosball (all her choice); practiced counting to “big numbers”; and she actually asked me whether “some girls marry girls” (then she held a “wedding” for two female toys after “marrying” a boy and a girl).
Like you said…one at a time
.
What a great article with a message that more people need to hear. Thank you for writing it.
This is a wonderful article on an issue that I honestly haven’t thought much about. It is very difficult not to compliment little girls on how adorable they are but you are absolutely right. I work with elementary school children and I’m going to make an effort to speak to the girls differently now that my attention has been drawn to the issue. I must admit, I do see the effects of cultural expectations of women even with the kindergarten girls. They are highly concerned with clothes, jewelry and even high-heels (yikes!). All of the girls I take care of are bright and surprisingly thoughtful so I’m sure they will respond well to more academic conversation. Thank you for your insight and I will be looking for your book!
Jenny-read books to them with alternative perspectives…like the Paper Bag Princess!!
I love this alternate way to interact with girls. It is true beauty and looks are the first things commented on by adults in relation to kids. I love, love this idea.
We readily ask a visitor to not allow our young dog to jump up on them, and would not hesitate to command them to not feed our dog poison, so surely we can watch over our children like hawks, politely changing the subject and creatively diverting attention.
My cousin, who is in her thirties now, had a mother that called her by the pet names of “beautiful”, “sunshine”, and others that boosted her self esteem and gave her compliments for her entire childhood. She has lived her entire life loving her looks and thinking she is beautiful and has used this as a means of being a strong, powerful, and successful woman – although not in ways that are degrading or demeaning to herself. I can understand the point of this article, but honestly, it’s nice to give compliments to your daughters or little girls in general. Whether it be “beautiful” or “intelligent” or both.
Fatale,
Thanks for bringing light to this subject. In our culture, we spend too much time worrying about looks and size without thinking about how it’s affecting children.
If outside influences help girls learn more about who they are on the inside, maybe it’ll counterbalance the unhealthy influences from media and peers.
But, it starts with the home. If a parent obsesses with weight in an unhealthy fashion, kids will absorb it and pattern the parent.
However, we also need to sneak in compliments from time to time about their appearance to boost confidence in that area. Let girls know they’re beautiful just as they are because ignoring it might result in a backlash effect.
Wow, I actually cried with joy at the end of this. The next time I meet a little girl, I will treat her like the person she is, not what she looks like. I love you for this, and what you’ve done for Maya. Still crying (don’t worry, they’re happy tears, really).
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