Confessions of a Workaholic

by Latina Fatale on 11/04/2010 · 0 comments

in Personal, Work

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I admit that I am a workaholic. I can’t stop working. Maybe to someone who is not a workaholic and who just possibly works a lot it might not sound like such a big deal, but it really is a disease and can turn into an unhealthy addiction.

I work my ass off at work. When I am not at work, I work my ass off with side projects with my business partner. When I am not working on side projects or work, I am volunteering my time with something in the community, local nonprofits or political activity. When I am not doing any of that, I’ve got to design a schedule for myself to read 500 books of this or that topic, or remodel my house by myself (although I definitely have the money to pay someone to do it).

I am always on a never-ending quest to have myself do one thing or another. Except relax.

I’ve been on vacation for almost a month now, and I have worked almost as many hours as I typically do during the day on side projects and my own little self challenges than I have been working on. What the hell is wrong with me?

When I am not working on side projects, somehow I get sucked into another type of role of counselor. People tend to not realize that I am on vacation and they call me for constant advice. I have no fucking boundaries.

I have such an addictive personality, and I just wish that I could rechannel it into becoming addicted to relaxing.

Lately I went to a hypnotist to try to hypnotize myself into meditating and relaxing, and she told me that I “live in my head” and have a strong personality that is really hard to hypnotize. I’m only able to be hypnotized for a few minutes after a whole hour of trying. Last week my facialist told me that I am not the typical customer, because instead of relaxing I want to talk about the ingredients of the products that she is placing on my face and I want a blow by blow breakdown of what she is doing to my skin. My masseuse told me that he was not going to talk to me anymore when he is giving me a massage because I ask too many questions about what he is doing to my muscles. I haven’t been with the acupuncturist long enough for her to recognize that my many questions are somehow a distraction from my having to relax.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the beach for only one evening with one of my old lovers. He became convinced that I an unable to relax and whisked me off to the beach with no television, radio, computer or cell phone for one day. At dinner I started to have horrible stomach aches and for the rest of the evening I was barely able to sip on the wine that he brought all night long. I was convinced that something made me sick at the restaurant, he was convinced that I am having psychosomatic symptoms because my body just is not accustomed to relaxing.

After eight hours of being gone at the beach, I sat on the balcony and stared at the ocean (which you can see in the picture above). I suddenly felt a sense of relief, a memory that I sometimes don’t take enough care of myself to just sit back and de-stress because I am constantly busy working. I had images of the traveling that I used to do, the running and hiking and dancing that I frequently did to be alone and just regroup. Suddenly my eyes couldn’t stop leaking tears, although I wasn’t crying or sad. I am not prone to crying, but this wasn’t crying..it felt more like a valve was being let loose and stress was being released. And then I suddenly had to go home to attend a fundraiser.

I used to think that it was stupid when celebrities checked themselves into a hospital for rest from exhaustion. And now I understand the feeling completely.

A couple of years ago when I would frequently visit my beach house in Mexico, my old lover would whisk me off there when he saw that I was uber stressed and we would stay for the weekend or entire week. The first two days that I was there I would have debilitating migraines until at one point I questioned whether I was living in a “toxic house”. I can remember the first two days of sitting and staring at the beach, with the strange tears uncontrollably leaking from my eyes for no apparent reason. Luckily I no longer have the migraines so often but those damn tears pop up when I get into a state of relaxation.

I recognize that this might be a serious problem. Tomorrow I am going back in the morning to get hypnotized. And now I am going to try to do my best to just completely relax for a bit. Or at least I’ll try.

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